Sarah Silverman Twitter Archive
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When ur
relatives drive you crazy just close your eyes &
pretend it's dialogue in a woody allen movie
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1am: my
usual perfectly timed run a bath while walking the
dog turned sour as I've locked myself out of my apt.
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I guess
the quality I'm looking for most in a man is someone
who won't murder me.
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Sisters
are the only people u can ask to look in your crotch
and tell u if "this looks like anything"
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Trees
never think they're fat
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I want
to be carried & bathed & my hair shampooed.
Like a princess or a quadriplegic
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Don't
forget your childhood dreams may not be the same as
your full grown person dreams anymore
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Let's
hope our children never find out it's uncool to dance
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Doing
whatever I want, whenever I want, is just 1 of the
great things about being single & barren.
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Terrorist
suicide bomber or bearded hipster? Phew -- flip flops--
bearded hipster.
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Just
watched my dog walk into the screen door. aah it's the
little things..
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So
annoying-- I feel like I'm always either to old or too
young to have a night nurse.
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I bet there are markedly less suicides per
year since
twitter
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I wish
my dog could spoon me.
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I really
think last year's gonna be my year
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Sarah Silverman Twitter Archive
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I don't
want to complete you - I want you to come complete
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Traumatic
moments happened to you - you just don't realize
it b/c there was no scary music playing.
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I like
to peek-a-boo myself in the mirror so I can watch my
pupes dilate. Plus the surprise is pretty fun
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The
Smurfs are named for traits, like Brainy, Gutsy &
Smurfette - whose trait is being "the girl one"
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Sometimes
when I'm really lonely I talk to myself but I call
myself "you guys"
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The only
thing that keeps my dog from shitting his pants is
that he doesn't wear pants.
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Twice a
day I look at the clock and go, "Hey!
9:11!" then I remember to get really really sad
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Finally
-- a GUY who likes Caddyshack
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People
who try to seem smart say PROCEEDED a lot.
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Had my
first long bike ride - wow!- It was like flying! Like
flying while getting punched in the vagina!
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There's
no "your" in "our" but there's
an "our" in "your" (& also in "sour")
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A drunk
lady pointed at my face & said "Hey, you--
Mrs. JOKES" with a "you fucked my husband" cadence
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Shower,
put on pretty dress, tear it all off in emergency
run-to-the-bathroom diarrhea, repeat.
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I've got
to stop stressing about something happening to the
sun
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New
word: "Shleazy" It means "sleazy"
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Israel
&Palestine forced to work together, realize
they're not so different after all #buddymovieformula
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Promise
to tell me when I've
What
Ever Happened to Baby
Janed.
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God, why
did you take L&O LA away from me? Why must you
kill everything I love?
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Things I
can't explain: 1. The sudden appearance of
post-rain snails 2. Snails
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Dear Al
Qaeda dooders, You guys realize the 70 virgins u get
in heaven are in hell, right?
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Sarah Silverman Twitter Archive
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I
laughed so hard I peed in my shirt.
(See
what I did there?
The old twistaroony.)
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Doing a
show where I'm a girl that grew up watching Dream
On. Each ep cuts to old clips of Brian Benben
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No woman
is EVER "asking" to get raped. But I do
think some women are asking to get motor-boated.
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In a
step towards a more sensitive nation,
"fatties" are now referred to as "foodies"
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Thinking
about having sex w all the married guys who shot
for the stars & have me as their "free pass."
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As I
write this I'm in an unmoving airport security line
standing completely still in a stranger's fart.
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Your
middle-aged pierced ear tells a different story than
you think.
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The good
news is hopeful doesn't mean dumb. The bad news is
cynical doesn't mean smart.
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Disneyland:
the destination of Superbowl winners and dying
children everywhere!
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You had
me 'til Hello.
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If I was
a woman I'd sit around & play with my boobs all
day
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I lie to
my calorie counter #hackycauseitstrue
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Sarah Silverman Twitter Archive
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Great
News! If you quit being cunty the whole world will
stop being against you!
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Fun tip:
After complimenting someone, wait a beat and then
yell, NOW YOU GO.
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Fun tip:
while making love, lock eyes with your dog &
see who looks away first.
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EXTRA!
EXTRA! Wrinkles & lines are a great way to weed
out the douchebags!
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Rest
assured that sex between 2 guys & 1 girl is NEVER
about the girl. #youregay #fratboys
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