Shitmydadsays
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Justin Halpern is a young man who lives with his father, an opinionated grouch in his 70s. Shitmydadsays collects the words of wisdom from Mr Halpern senior. It is not for the faint-hearted.

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"Happy birthday, I didn't get you a present...Oh, mom got you one? Well, that's from me then too, unless it's shitty."

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"Sometimes life leaves a hundred dollar bill on your dresser, and you don't realize until later that it's because it fucked you."

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"The universe does not give a fuck about you. You are a speck in its shit."

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"Don't listen to the pussy side of you when you make a decision. People gravitate towards being a pussy. Remove the pussy, son."

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"I turn the kitchen faucet on and the shower burns you, yes, I get it...No, I'm not gonna stop, I'm just saying yes, I get that concept."

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"Why the fuck would I want to live to 100? I'm 73 and shit's starting to get boring. By the way, there's no money left when I go, just fyi."

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"Don't touch the bacon, it's not done yet. You let me handle the bacon, and i'll let you handle..what ever it is you do. I guess nothing."

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Why would i want to check a voicemail on my cell phone? People want to talk to me, call again. If i want to talk to you, I'll answer.

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"I didn't live to be 73 years old so I could eat kale. Don't fix me your breakfast and pretend you're fixing mine."

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"Bullshit. War ain't over till people stop shooting. You can't say you're done taking a crap if shit's still coming out of your ass."

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"Bullshit. Don't pretend you don't care about your birthday. It's like watching a hooker pretend she's out for a walk when cops drive by."

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"A scar ain't 13 god damned stitches. I'll introduce you to men with REAL scars, then we'll all laugh at your fucking 13 stitches together."

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"You can't come...Because it's not a vacation if my family is with me. I could vacation in my fucking house if you people left it."

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"You didn't get a good deal, you were just fucked gently. Trust me, Best Buy will not be the one with the sore asshole tomorrow."

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"No. Aliens exist, I just don't think they came millions of light years just to see earth. Be like driving 1000 miles to go to an Arby's"

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"You don't have to be good to succeed. You just gotta be the least shitty option. Example: We're eating at The Olive Garden."

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"You came out of your mom looking like shit. She thought you were beautiful. Don't know what scared me most, your looks or her judgment."

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"Remember how you used to make fun of me for being bald?...No, I'm not gonna make a joke. I'll let your mirror do that."

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"Does anyone your age know how to comb their fucking hair? It looks like two squirrels crawled on their head and started fucking."

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